LIST OF THINGS VOLUME I: Things NOT to do at Smith Parties

-Talk close to someone’s face. Even if it’s because you can’t hear the girl over Ke$ha and genuinely want to hear her thoughts on Judith Butler, it can be perceived as creepy. And if you’re a little too (literally) tipsy, you might fall into her face and have to make out for a minute or seven, whether or not that was on the docket.

-Drunkenly feed someone a hamburger. They might miss the patty and chomp your finger. It could lead to this conversation: “Is that ketchup?” “Nope, that’s blood.”

-Play Jenga in the same building. With all the people running/dancing/gyrating around, I can guarantee that your skills, no matter how supreme, will not impress. Gravity always wins.

-Shower (in a Friedman). Sometimes a shower is immediately necessary, I get it. But beyond this clearly being bad manners, it is impossible to keep your goodies from public view. Even if you think you locked the door, drunk people gotta pee and they will make it happen. Make sure it doesn’t happen to you- go shower in a neighbor’s house instead.

-Knit.

-Get (or give) a haircut. No matter what chunks you think would look cute if they were missing, knives and safety scissors are not suitable materials. Plus, someone might take the opportunity to “accidentally” cut off that rat tail you’ve been working on for months.

-Bring your younger brother who looks 20. Worst case scenario, he looms without meaning to in the corner so you hear about “that creepy dude.” Best case scenario, you see him make out with someone. Clearly, this is a lose-lose situation.