LIST OF THINGS VOLUME II: Ways to Woo a Smithie

Don't do this.

-Choreograph a dance to her favorite song. Bonus points if you spell out her name with your body over the course of the chorus. She’ll be impressed by your ability to channel the genius of Ani DiFranco’s lyrical stylings with your limber bod.

-“I was bored today so I made six pounds of kale chips and put them in tupperware. Maybe after this chai we can go have some… What? Of course I have nutritional yeast!”

-Bring her to the plant house. What is more romantic than flora? Impress her with your confidence in Latin pronunciations. If all else fails and desperation takes over, you can claim the tropical room is too hot and strategically disrobe (Warning: while this may win her heart (or loins) you may run into some trouble with Public Safety).

-“I don’t believe in video games. While other children played Nintendo, I painted my plastic horses with milk to make them stronger.”

-Cook her a meal. If you don’t have a kitchen, borrow one. Make sure you know if she’s a vegetarian. Steak can be a huge turn-off for some, but might just be a serious aphrodisiac for a very specific part of the population. No matter how carnivorous your crush may seem, venison and/or other game meat should be avoided in all situations.

-”No, I don’t want to go out. Let’s stay in and point out the heteronormative tendencies in How I Met Your Mother.“

-Go for a canoe (clearly seasonal, unless you are a BADASS and a little stupid). You can both show off your biceps and whistle. Just around the riverbend, there lie several canoodle-inspiring tributaries to explore. Make sure to wave at the dog-walkers on the path so you seem friendly. Perhaps throw in a first name for perceived familiarity. “Hey, Susan! Your collie looks particularly spry today!” Just make sure you can paddle away before Susan (because you will undoubtedly guess the name correctly) asks how you know each other.

-”Want to go to Julia Child Day with me next year?”

Only do a little of this.

-Leave her a note in Neilson. Know what her paper is about? Leave a piece of paper with a message in a book she’s sure to check out (or that you so thoughtfully recommend). Just make sure it’s not so racy that someone in her class who got to the book first would be scandalized (or, for better or worse, excited).

Have requests for future Lists of Things? E-mail smithdblog@gmail.com