LIST OF THINGS VOLUME III: Reasons Why a Snuggie is Better Than a Significant Other (Valentine’s Day Edition)

True love

Note: I do not own a Snuggie. I am not endorsing their existence. I do, however, have a blanket that I stapled in such a way that it has arm holes. A creation like that is also better than a date.

- You can lay it on a hill, sit on it, and enjoy eating grapes for hours on end. You can’t do that to a person- they would complain and lose circulation. A human might even ask you to share. With Snuggie, you get to eat the whole bag.

- You can wear it. In the shower, to class, even bowling. You can’t wear a person ANYWHERE.

- You know how basically every time one half of a couple goes on a trip and the other half says, “Oh, but I shall miss you so! Will you put me in your suitcase?” You can ACTUALLY do that with your Snuggie. Imagine those vacation photos: Snuggie and I at the Coliseum! Snuggie and I on the beach! Snuggie and I at the wax museum with Mick Jagger!

- If you don’t talk to your Snuggie for a week, it will not be mad. (Not to mention, it is probably a good sign for you and your brain if you don’t talk to it. Ever.)

-If you do talk to your Snuggie, it will never get bored or say, “Sorry, I have to run!” Because Snuggies can’t run.

-Drooling on your Snuggie is entirely acceptable, even encouraged. It confirms its absolutely comfortable nature. It probably brags about these battle scars to its Snuggie friends. “She was watching Criminal Minds and I was just so soft she fell asleep! Beat that!” There is a reason you have never heard of a drool stain on a person.

-Your Snuggie will never be better at anything than you are (unless your attributes include being flat, having no backbone, folding into small spaces, and having a generally fleece-like texture).

-Your Snuggie won’t get jealous if you slept with your comforter last night.