Bicycle Races Are Coming Your Way: No, Literally. LOOK OUUUUT!

Oh...Please don't...

Let me preface this by saying it’s just for the lolz. I have no intention whatsoever of slashing bike tires or cutting breaks. I happen to think bikes serve as a defining and sometimes even beautiful part of Smith culture. Clichés aside, please don’t seek me out and attempt to run me over. Though all things considered, this plea is probably pointless, since I’ve narrowly escaped being flattened a couple times without saying shit.

It’s 8:30 am. By some act of Christ herself, I have managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed, down four flights of stairs, and out the door to brave the cold weather/the warm weatherwhatever weather Northampton has decided to throw at me that morning. I start my morning walk to class, when I hear it from behind me: the stir of leaves, the crunch of wet gravel, the whoosh of the wind, and perhaps the ring of condescension. Mentally letting fly a colorful slew of profanities, I start to panic. Do I move? Do I turn around? Do I stop? Do I fall into the fetal position? WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHRIST DO I DO???? As much as I wish I could Temple Run my way to class, I…well… can’t, and I have to share the paths of Smith College with bikers. Here are the top 5 remarks I wish to impart on bikers campus wide. On your marks, get set, go. Also prepare yourself for a ton more shitty Queen references.

Pictured: My real life? Also my fantasy? Certainly no escape from reality. Also Paradise Pond.

#1- Please learn effective communication. I really cannot stress this enough. There are few things more annoying than hearing bells ring from behind me RIGHT AFTER I’VE BEEN AWOKEN BY AN ALARM CLOCK. I am irritable as it is, I don’t need your bell’s bright-ass ringing to cheer me up. I know that all of you don’t have bells attached to your bikes, and I thank you for it. But screaming at me from behind isn’t much of an improvement. We are all really smart, intellectual women; some of us are capable of going on for hours about our feelings, but for some reason when it comes to the case of biker v. pedestrian, there’s a HUGE communication boundary. When you’re coming toward me shouting, “Left. LEFT!!” doesn’t really help either. Whose left are you referring to? Please be specific. Also, an “Excuse me” never hurt anyone.

#2-Stop making me feel like a lump of lard because I don’t want to partake in vigorous cardio at the ass crack of dawn.I know you feel all high and mighty when you rush past plebeians like me, who walk to get around campus. You feel like a freaking female version of Lance Armstrong and this morning is your Tour de mother fucking FRANCE.  Admit it. I see it in your eyes.

How you see yourself:

                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I see you:

#3-Don’t look all pissy when you need to navigate through a group. I don’t feel bad for you that you have to feel conscious about how you’re navigating if you CHOOSE to make it more difficult for yourself to move by adding the frame of a bike. In the immortal words of Queen, I know all you want is to ride your bicycle and you want to ride it where you like. But we share this space. Also, if someone is coming toward, don’t PURPOSEFULLY MOVE INTO THE PEDESTRIAN’S PATH. We aren’t trying to play chicken. We’re just trying to get home safely to napsturbate, okay?!

#4-Why are you biking when it’s windy/rainy/freezing shitty outside? Isn’t it hazardous? Isn’t it possibly that your breaks would crap out, or you’d end up mangling yourself? See? I’m concerned for you, too! #nobutreallythisisallaboutme

How you see yourself:

How I see you:

#5-Is this ish really saving you much time at all? I mean, between unlocking your bike, storing your crap, biking to class, relocking your bike, and retrieving your crap, is the process really that worth it? And what’s the payoff in the morning? An extra three minutes of hitting the snooze button on your alarm? How long does it take to walk from one end of campus to the other? Maybe 20 minutes, if you’re cramping that day (we’ve all been there).

In conclusion, I’d like to once again paraphrase Queen, as I haven’t besmirched their godliness enough already: Fit Smithies are coming your way/So look out for those beauties, oooooh yeah.

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